Advice?
by Crackfic Writes
Summary: Nicko adopts an advice column...an obvious mistake, as his readers can see. Under a fake name Nicko solves all the Castle's problems - though they might not be as helpful as he'd hoped.
1. Bad Advice

**A/N: Rights go to Angie Sage, because if they didn't Sam and Wolf-Boy-turned-Marwick would've been married long before Fyre, which is just flat-out WEIRD.**  
** On a different note, this isn't the best story; something a LOT of different people wrote with me, then sloppily edited together (By me, of course) after they picked their favorites. So if you don't like it, don't read it. Simple. But we thought it was funny, even though one or two might not make sense unless you know what we're talking about. (We've got some really bad Good Charlotte humor somewhere in here, for example.)**  
** So read, do a backflip, eat a lemon, whatever. Review at the end and if you want to add a suggestion or question for 'Aunt Nicky' in the review section. Hugs! :D **  
**If one of these offends you or whatever, PM me and I'll edit it out.**

Dear Aunt Nicky,

I was watching Disney™'s _How to Train Your Dragon_ last night when I realized that all the information about dragon-training is faulty! It really bothered me because I don't want my dragon to get the wrong ideas; what should I do to change it?

-Septimus Heap

**Dear S. Heap:**

** Watch it in 3D. It's hard to remember the information is wrong when you can swear that Toothless is sitting in your lap!**

* * *

Aunt Nicky,

My mother-in-law has come to visit for a week and carries an awful duck…in a bag. How can I say politely that it's dumb?

-Lucy No-Bag

**Lucy No-Bag (Interesting pen-name, by the way):**

** A duck in a bag? That's pretty stupid, like you've said. Try to politely suggest something more fashionable, like a cart or even a duck purse. It will go with everything and look a lot less embarrassing. And if that doesn't work, make a new recipe that calls for duck meat. (Stew sounds good)**

* * *

Hi, Aunt Nicky:

My girlfriend doesn't like that I still play with my mega-set of Action-Adventures Super Battle trading cards. What should I do?

-Girlfriend Drama

**Girlfriend Drama;**

** How do you have a girlfriend in the first place if you play with Action-Adventures Super Battle Training cards? **

** (If she actually IS real and is still bothered that you use them, than do yourself a favor like you should've done in second grade and stop playing.) **

* * *

Aunt Nicky;

What do you think guys find attractive?

-A scribe in need of a boyfriend

**Dear ASINOAB,**

** Women.**

**Oh, and food. Women and food.**

* * *

Hello, Aunt Nicky.

So, my daughter is obsessed with that band, Good Charlotte. And she tells me all the time that she loves them and she's marrying the lead singers (yes, both) Joel and Benji Madden. What should I do to convince her she's delirious?

-Bad Charlotte

**Bad Charlotte; **

** Throw your hands up, start dancing, and sing 'I Don't Want To Be in Love.' If she doesn't get the hint by then, just kick her out. **

* * *

A/N: So that was our sample page. If you liked it, gimme a review and a virtual high-five (Because if you knew where I live that would be CREEPY.) If you want more, just say the word and we'll have it. Loves.


	2. Worse Advice

**A/N: Again, I don't own it. Duh. :) What I do own are the horrible attempts at humor here; wrote this too late at night so I think it's hilarious right now, but I'm sure by tomorrow there will be a hole in my forehead from face-palming too many times. Ouch.  
Just read it and decide for yourself if you like! Tell me if you do and give me some suggestions for what I should do next! Mwah.**

Aunt Nicky;

My wife loves braiding her hair into two really long plaits; how can I tell her I hate braids without hurting her feelings?

-Si. H.

**Si. H.,**

**_Chop it off_****. Just cut it at off while she's sleeping. Blame it on your children. Blame it on your dog. Blame it on your mother; just pick a person and throw them under the bus so that she doesn't suspect it's you. Just do it, just shear it off, and tell her it wasn't your fault. Then, if she decides she wants to grow it back, train your kids how to use scissors.**

** Aunt N.**

Nicky,

How do I get my Apprentice to comb his hair?

-Tangles

**Tangles,**

** There are lots of ways you can do this, though some of the long-term effects won't be pleasing. I researched them for you and have compiled a list:**

** ONE: Bribery. Start by using food; 'If you comb your hair I'll give you a cookie,' kind of thing. Gradually work your way up to, say, a dinner with steak and potatoes. Long term effects include: obesity, stubbornness (I'll only brush my teeth now if I get a piece of pie, and so on…)**

** TWO: Force. Just MAKE him do it, or better yet, hold him down and do it yourself. It gets the job done, and as they say, if you want something done right, make them do it until you're satisfied.**

** Long term effects include: trauma and skittishness, prone to screaming in fear when in sight of a comb.**

** THREE: Asking him nicely never hurt but it's not nearly as fun…..**

**Hope that helped. **

** Nicky**

Aunt Nicky;

Have you noticed that a majority of the Manuscriptorium scribes have animals in their names? Colin PARTRIDGE, Chief BEETLE, Old Chief FOX, his son FOXY, and even Mr. Tertius Fume is nicknamed 'Old GOAT face'. Why?

-Romilly BADGER

**Romilly BADGER,**

** I always said it was a zoo in there…**

**Nicky**

Aunt Nicky…

What is a good pet to have for a Keeper?

-Not Another duck-cat

**Not Another duck-cat,**

** Well, I could be funny and tell you the Marsh Python is always a good option, but I won't. So get something that you can tie up easily, because if you don't the Marsh Python will eat it anyway. Either way that snake is getting involved and it's a lose-lose situation. A nice little goldfish sounds nice, or a pet rock. They're both indestructible, really; nothing fazes them!**

** Aunt Nicky**

Nicky,

I'm looking for a good book….any ideas?

-Reading in boredom

**Reading in Boredom-**

** I've got some classic favorites. Three no-fail tear-jerkers I like to read are;  
1. Poison Ivy by Ivan Itchybottom  
2. The Afterlife by I. M. Dedd  
3. Turkey Day by T. Hanks Givin **

**Hope you like them.**

** -Nicky**

**A/N: Not too bad...? I don't even know. You guys asked for this, don't forget. ;) Sorry, I'm dumb and you're yelling and this is getting annoying for everyone. Lurrrrrrrrve you. Lots.  
And Nicko does, too. Even though he sucks at writing advice he loves you. Here is a kiss from him: {l) I hope that shows up okay. I don't know x 2. Ugh, I'm even annoying myself at this point. Sorry. Again. :)**

See you later, alligators!


	3. Can you Even Call this Advice?

** A/N: Oh, Jeez. Oh, man. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. It's been forever, hasn't it? I think it has; I'm SO sorry for the awfully long update wait for a short chapter (and it's not my best work, I'll tell you that. :( )**  
**But alas, I have an excuse! One of many on my list; I was on a cruise. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "A cruise for two months? Yeah, right, sure." No, it was like a summer-learning cruise, almost; it was a setup for students to take classes abroad. It's a long and hard to explain thing, but basically what happened is that I didn't have any Wifi for two months except for a few five-minute times at hotels. (Can you even imagine my inbox?)**

**SO have fun reading this whatever-it-is. Love you**.

Nicky,

How can I pull in the cash without the work?

Need-it-now

**Need-it-now;**

** This is a tricky bit to answer; how can you? I'd say you walk into a bar. Everyone's drunk anyway; they'll fall for anything. Pretend you're famous and offer to give five-dollar autographs. Make sure you go to different bars after people start catching on, though, or Get-it-Quick will turn into Get-it-off-me-Quick when you're beat to a pulp.**

Aunt Nicky,

How can I make myself feel wanted?

-Alone

**Alone,**

**Rob a bank. Then you'll be wanted for sure!**

Dear Aunt Nicky;

I have a job interview coming up; what should I do to make a good impression on the Dragon-Kennel Cleaning Crew?

-Jobs

**Dear Jobs;**

** Bring your own broom.**

**And a chainsaw; no one's cut that stupid dragon's nails in a while and I'd rather not have my appendages torn off next time I try to visit my idiot brother.**

** Thanks.**

**-Aunt Nicky**

Nicky;

My mother's signed me up for the Little Theatre Acting Class. Trouble is, I hate acting. How can I tell her politely that I don't want to go?

-Bad Actor

**Bad Actor – **

** Put those skills to the test; see how convincing you can be when you tell her that you went, while really you were at Ma Custard's.**

** -Nicky.**

Hi, Aunt Nicky,

How do I get people to do what I want them to?

-Not-so-in-Charge

**Not-so-in-Charge; **

** Bribe them. Preferably with chocolate – the raspberry ones with the little swirls would work nicely, I'd say.**

** Nicky.**

**A/n: Quick disclaimer - I don't own anything, in case you hadn't gotten that already. Hope you enjoyed! :)**


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